Her Daughter

As much as she hurt me
Crushing every ounce of my soul
And spirit
And after watching every ounce of my self esteem
Walk out the door in her purse
Something hit me hard
Someone I truly pity
Little, tiny footsteps
Dopey, off center eyes
The entire world
Resting on the shoulders
Of a three year old
What if the little one
Isn't a straight A student?
What if the little one
Isn't an eager volunteer?
What if the little one
Doesn't hit the right notes?
What if the little one
Is a little shy?
What if the little one
Is a little me?
Will you treat her like an outcast?
Will you let her know she's a disappointment
Every day of her life?
Will you yell at her
Until she's in tears?
Tell her everything she's done wrong
And make sure she knows it's all her
And not at all you
Or could you learn acceptance?
Could you love her sense of self
They way you never did mine?
Could you except her imperfections
Even if they're harder to accept?
Could you love her for who she is
Even if her hair is messy
And she sings a different key than you
If she doesn't fit the mold for the daughter you've always dream of?
Even if you never treated me right?
Could you at least show that respect
To little Camryn?

Final Peace

That previous post was something I had written about a year ago, when I had what I thought was, come to that official peace with where I was in life. I felt like by blocking him out because it hurt me to see how much he had changed, I couldn't stand seeing him going down this road, so I decided the lollipop I had had was gone and this was someone else. But he's still there and this past summer and fall I have not only seen him, but had to spend time with him. And I'm come to peace with the fact he is still him, that he went through phases. And that both of us still have a bit of an emotional attachment to each other, whether we'll admit it or not. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with the fact that people that were a huge part in my life a year ago, or even six months ago, aren't there anymore. I'm okay living with my mistakes and owning up to each one that I've made. This peace I thought I had come to last year was just me building up that much deeper in the storm and now I think it's hit its final peace.

Dead To Me

Don't say a word
Don't apologize
Don't glare at me
Or treat me like shit
Because you officially
Are dead to me
You died a while back there
But the griefing process has now ended
You're dead
Your glares
And when you look through me
It doesn't hurt anymore
Because it's not you
We had great times
You taught me things
I'll admit to it
But the you I knew
Is dead now
Your emotional cortex
Couldn't hold too much
And collapsed
You never left
You simply died
The real you
Still lives inside me
In my photo albums
And in my heart
But the you I see
Still wandering
Is your soulless corpse
They've played dress up with
And kicked around
If you jumped off a bridge
Tonight
I wouldn't care
Because to me
You're dead already

The Same

I got all the pink out of my hair
Cut it straight and even
Traded my black lipstick in
For sheer red
Trade my purple tripp pants in
For blue jeans
But I'll never be the same
I see girls walk into school
Wearing even crazier shit than me
And everyone loves them
They fit in just fine
People think they're normal
And people let me know I'm weird
Girls sit down in class
Begin to ramble about personal things
That no one needs to know
They say things that can't be normal
They say things that are so bizarre
But the second I pipe up
Silence
"She's so weird"
"Who says something like that?"
"Oh, God. Listen to this bitch."
I don't look or act so different
I don't understand what's so wrong
Each day
When I get to school
When I get to the gym
When I get to dance
When I get to church
When I get to the store
I look at all the other girls and think
Why am I so different?
What's so wrong with me?
What was every girl born with
That somehow skipped me?
Why can't I just walk into school?
Why can't I just walk into church?
And walk into a group of people
And fit in?
I see the grungiest low lives
Walk into a room
And have a group
What's that like?
What's having a 'group' like?
I don't know that feeling
I have absolutely no idea whatsoever
Of what that feels like
I wonder how nice it is
A sense of security
Knowing you'll have some people
If you ever just want to jump in and talk
About whatever substance
Is on your mind
But I'll never be the same
As anyone
Girl
Or group